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[Jul. 8th, 2009|10:33 am] |
My personal assistant has just handed me a new work week schedule. It would involve a move to a town with a racquet club (hello Asheville and Brevard!) but everything else sounds doable.
MWF
7:00-8:00 Wake up, get clean & eat breakfast
8:00-9:00 Read
9:00-12:30 Write
12:30-1:00 Lunch
1:00-1:45 Walk Atticus (while reading)
1:45-2:30 Nap
2:30-3:00 Drive to racquet club
3:00-5:00 Tennis (doubles, preferably)
5:00-5:45 Drive home & get clean
5:45-6:45 Help prepare supper
6:45-7:15 Supper
7:15-9:00 Evening entertainment (Jeopardy!, DVD, games, etc.)
(9:15 Sarah to sleep)
9:00-10:45 Read
10:45-11:00 Prepare for sleep
11:00-7:00 Sleep
TR
7:00-8:00 Wake up, get clean & eat breakfast
8:00-9:00 Read
9:00-12:30 Write
12:30-1:00 Lunch
1:00-1:45 Walk Atticus (while reading)
1:45-2:30 Nap
2:30-3:00 Lift weights & get clean
3:00-5:45 Write
5:45-6:45 Help prepare supper
6:45-7:15 Supper
7:15-9:00 Evening entertainment (Jeopardy!, DVD, games, etc.)
(9:15 Sarah to sleep)
9:00-10:45 Read
10:45-11:00 Prepare for sleep
11:00-7:00 Sleep |
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| I Left My...Wallet? |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|10:22 am] |
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We might be going back to San Francisco in September. If so, there's a good chance I could see the Giants play either the Dodgers or the Rockies, or, if I have my weeks wrong, the A's host the Indians or the Rangers. Either way, chalk up another major league game in a new stadium. |
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| Mountain Movies |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|10:34 am] |
As I said last summer, not many great (or even good) movies make it out to Andrews. We've got our twin cinema and there's the one-screen, newly renovated, post-fire Hen Theatre in Murphy, but besides that...Asheville is only 90 minutes away. There's the Fieldstone Six in Young Harris, GA, but the prospect of driving to Georgia to see a movie hasn't been enough to lure me and Sarah out of our 'holler. Honestly, few things are able to get us out of our cabin once we're nestled in. Apparently the Fieldstone Six is an hour from our house, but even though it's nextdoor, just thinking about going to Georgia feels like too much of a hassle. Plus, it's all windy unlit back roads. It all makes me realize how much of a luxury it was to grow up 45 minutes from Asheville with bright, well maintained 4-lane highways all the way there.
The Andrews Twin Cinema doesn't get all stinkers. Over Father's Day weekend, I saw both The Hangover and Up, the latter of which I knew wouldn't last more than a week, especially with damn Transformers 2 on the way, ready to sell out the theatre that's never been sold out. After seeing the trailer, The Hangover felt like the next comic masterpiece, up there with Old School, the South Park movie and Role Models. The intriguing concept of retracing a night that no one remembers, combined with fun big-but-not-too-big stars and a guest spot from Mike Tyson seemed to indicate the makings for a good time.
Well, it wasn't. Sure, there are plenty of big laughs, but I wouldn't say that it's all that funny. It's all a bunch of temporary SNL laughs instead of the quotable hilarity it pretends to be. Maybe its lack of true humor has to do with it being a Todd Philips film not written by Philips. All of his previous comic gems (Old School, Road Trip, Starsky & Hutch; haven't seen School For Scoundrels) have had more input from him than merely from behind the camera, and it shows. Those films are consistenly funny with hardly any sections that lag. Many times in The Hangover, the audience is left waiting while the story tries to catch up with the jokes. It's a painful experience. Instead of blending them, as in earlier Philips flicks and other quality comedies, it's as if the screenwriters chopped the film into "joke" and "explanation" pieces. Such an approach completely alters the film's flow and keeps it from being what it could be.
Up, however, is everything it wants to be and more. At this point, 14 years after Toy Story debuted, Pixar has become one of the few sure things in film. One doesn't need to see the trailer for the studio's next release. It's 100% "I'm there and it's gonna be good."
Up upholds the tradition. The quality of animation has again been elevated (which always makes you want to know what they're capable of now) and the writing is superb, but as was the case with last year's Wall-E, Up is at its surprising best sans dialogue. Neglecting even Wall-E's simple robotic sound effects, Up goes pure silent movie mode and employs an old-timey Michael Giacchino piano melody to accompany a heartbreaking montage of childhood friends Carl and Ellie growing old together. The timeless emotion of this sequence outdoes even that of the "When She Loved Me" montage from Toy Story 2, a wallop of a scene in its own right, and for good reason: humans > toys.
The strong opening propels the film into one of Pixar's most implausible plots. Carl, now a crotchety octogenarian widower, resistant to all forms of change, decides to cash in on his and his wife's childhood dream to fly their house to Paradise Falls in the South American jungles. Joined by Russell, a stowaway young Wilderness Explorer with no wilderness experience whatsoever, Carl floats his house toward his destination with the help of helium balloons. Within reach of the falls, Carl and Russell must go the rest of the way on foot with the house tethered, via garden hose, to Carl's age-defying back and land the house before too much helium escapes from the balloons.
On the way, the pair encounter a unique chocolate-loving bird that Russell names Kevin, a pack of savage dogs that talk through a device on their necks, and Dug, the pack's golden retriever who doesn't quite fit in with the gang's dobermans and pit bulls. It's through Dug's innocent but faithful banter (exterior narration that should probably stay interior) that the film truly, no pun intended, flies. Pixar films always have a slapstick element to complete the mature-but-accessible-for-all humor, and Up finds its final puzzle piece in Dug, a sweet dog who's looking for a nicer master. With these new tagalongs, Carl and Russell take on a daring adventure, the likes of which have been missing from their respective lives, and form a bond that transcends sentimentality. Instead of the sap that fills most live-action films, these animated humans provide the right balance of emotion and humor, and teach us flesh and blood viewers a genuine lesson in relationships.
Hopefully soon, I'll have seen enough films from 2009 to amass a Top 5 list. Until then, I'll be a Netflixing fiend. |
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| The New Hero |
[Jul. 1st, 2009|09:30 am] |
Yesterday, a World War II veteran came to our class.
He wore a jacket with badges and pieces of metal
all over it and a hat that said "11th Armored Division"
in red, blue and yellow stitches with a red lightning bolt.
He told us about being in battles and shooting guns,
about parachuting out of airplanes and riding in tanks.
Mrs. Turner said he was a real-life hero and that
we should all be thankful for his service to our country.
A few kids got his autograph. I was one of them.
He signed my social studies book. It seemed the most appropriate.
When I went to the grocery store with Mom before supper,
he didn't look like a hero. He looked like any other bag boy,
wearing a white collared shirt, green apron,and a name tag that said "Jack."
As he sorted our meat and cereal into paper and plastic,
he looked up and caught me staring at him. My face was hot
and my hand shook, but I knew what I had to do. I saluted him
and said, "Thunderbolt." He looked around, then back to me and saluted.
Right after he said "Thunderbolt," the kid who used to mow our lawn
came over and told the hero to get back to work. The hero looked sad
as he double-bagged our milk and told us to have a good day.
On our way out, I waved at him but he didn't wave back.
He was busy putting meat and cereal into paper and plastic for someone else,
someone who had no idea who he really was. |
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| The Hunt is On |
[Jun. 18th, 2009|07:37 pm] |
I am a mullet hunter.
You know, "business in the front,
party in the back." The hair style
that made Billy Ray Cyrus famous
before he was Hannah Montana's dad
and put Joe Dirt on the map?
I hunt them.
Among my favorite species are the Mexicullet,
greasy and curly from the wavy top to
the Darth Vader shield in the back;
the skullet, where a bald man lets his
Spanish Moss run wild down his neck;
and the femullet, when a woman makes a bold
move in the name of Women's Lib. and chooses
to adopt the unfortunate coif for herself.
When I spot one, out at a restaurant or
at the fairgrounds, I make it look like
my friends and I are posing for a picture,
but I arrange us so that the mullet is
perfectly framed between their heads. We
even refer to it in the presence of the
host head, but pronounce it "moo-lay" so
that even the educated mullet doesn't get it.
The mullet suspects nothing, though with
a haircut like that, it must not suspect
much at all. For where did it come to the
conclusion that such a style was a good idea?
Doesn't it watch TV or read magazines or
have friends who care about it?
But if it had any of those, there would be
no mullets to hunt. The skullet would die
out, the femullet become extinct and scientists
would only have fossils of Mexicullets to
even know that they existed. No, I wish none
of these fates on the mullet. They deserve
to live, just as I deserve to devote my
life to hunting them. |
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| An Evening with Jenny Lewis |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|10:46 am] |
By now, I should know not to underestimate Chapel Hill hipsters.
There have been plenty of shows and events that I've attended where I expected few people to be, and the place will be packed. Maybe it was growing up in Brevard or going to Greensboro College, both of which foster isolationism for the young esoteric man, that make me expect people to be uninformed.
Chapel Hill is anything but uninformed.
This fact was proved most recently at the Jenny Lewis show at Cat's Cradle last Friday night. While her name and that of her band, Rilo Kiley, draw shrugs in most circles, in Chapel Hill it produced a nearly sold out show and a crowd that knew the words to nearly all of her songs.
Taking the stage in L.A. hot pants with her relaxed backing band, Lewis picked through the highlights of her two solo albums and Rilo Kiley's four. After mixing tempos (everything from rollicking opener "See Fernando" to sweet lullaby "Sing A Song For Them") with the band, Lewis switched to her acoustic guitar for a solid tangent featuring the angelic "Trying My Best to Love You" and a back-to-basics version of Rilo Kiley's "Silver Lining."
With time winding down until the Gransee-Arnaudin carriage turned back into a pumpkin, I hoped that Lewis would play my favorite song of hers before we left. On cue, she burst into "Rise Up With Fists," a sure sign that we were meant to depart at midnight. And just like a Ricky Gervais comedy series, we tapped out while we were still having fun and before concert fatigue set in. |
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| New Pair of Shoes |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|10:06 am] |
I have a new pair of shoes, which typically means
that they're a magnet for bubble gum and mud.
Somehow, even if I wrap the shoes in
plastic bags and secure the tops with rubber bands,
they'll look worn out by the end of the first day.
Each time I buy a new pair, I tell myself,
"These will be the shoes that last. These will
stay shiny, soft and retain that new shoe smell.
I'll walk heel-toe with every step, scrub them
every night, never use them for anything but
walking and sitting around and I'll always
wear socks with them."
All of that sounds so good when I'm thinking
about it. I know that when I lace up and move
around that I will make those changes. I will
treat them like kittens. I will keep them in
mint condition. These will be the shoes that last.
And yet every time, I wear them out in the rain,
forget to look where I walk, and slide
in and out of them without untying the laces.
I have a new pair of shoes.
I think I'll leave them in the box today. |
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| Thrill Seeker |
[Jun. 15th, 2009|09:36 pm] |
No, I won't go skydiving with you.
Call off the roller coasters, base jumping
and bullfighting. And don't give me
that alligator wrestling and snake
kissing gibberish. That's for sissies.
Give me a license and an old Saab
without airbags, and let me loose
on the interstate. Put me beside
other experts, sleep-deprived, late
and unhappy with work, and let us
see who can do it the best.
No parachutes, no blindfolds, no tricks.
Just seatbelts, a case of CDs, a cup of coffee,
and my heart will absolutely pulverize my breastplate. |
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| Testimony from Sarah's Trial |
[Jun. 8th, 2009|02:32 pm] |
From the Opening Statement
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today I bring charges against former boyfriends of S. Gransee Arnaudin (henceforth to be known as "victim") that did ruin multiple films that, in more respectable situations, should have been enjoyable experiences.
The list includes, but is not limited to:
-Exhibit A: The Big Lebowski
-Exhibit B: Fargo
-Exhibit C: This is Spinal Tap
From the victim's reports, I will show that these "boyfriends" did, without her consent, make victim watch these films repeatedly as they desired. Neither victim's complaints nor glassy-eyed boredom deterred their missions of cinematic doom, forever tainting victim's perception of said films.
From the Evidence
Exhibits A & B: victim enjoys prior evidence of witnesses J. and E. Coen, Raising Arizona (exhibit D). Witnesses' trademark dark humor likewise evident in exhibits A & C, also improved writing as seen by 1996 Best Original Screenplay Academy Award (exhibit E) and The Dude's cult following (exhibit F). In tradition with victim's appreciation for independent filmmaking, all would have been appreciated under other circumstances.
Exhibit C: victim's DVD collection (exhibit G) conveys strong appreciation for witness C. Guest and prior evidence Waiting For Guffman, Best In Show and A Mighty Wind. Witness' quirky humor likewise evident in exhibit C, some argue moreso, yet victim not allowed to discover under own terms. Tragedy indeed.
When questioned how victim acquired ability to veto certain film offers of her final boyfriend and now husband, victim stated that he "made [her] more confident in [her]self." Now, film watching a shared experience. Husband views weird films on own time; does not subject victim to such torture. Both happy, though distaste for perpetrators lingers.
From the Closing Statement
People of the court, I reiterate: what kind of sickos did victim date before this fellow? |
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| Dream Come True |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|04:27 pm] |
Beastie Boys are coming to Asheville next Wednesday!!!
How the Orange Peel manages to consistently bring such high quality acts to a 942-person venue is a mystery to me, but I'm glad they do it. First Bob Dylan, then the Smashing Pumpkins, then Ben Folds, and now Beastie Boys. It's probably the smallest place any of them have played since their salad days!
I'm going to try and get tickets tomorrow, but since I was one of many to crash the ticket server trying to see the Pumpkins 3 years ago, I'm prepared to be disappointed. At least there's Jenny Lewis at Cat's Cradle that Friday to fall back on. |
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| Memorable Albums of 2008 |
[May. 19th, 2009|12:09 pm] |
Jenny Lewis Acid Tongue (a mixtape unto itself. Even constipated ol' Elvis Costello can't derail this wide variety of solid tracks, all of which play out as one wonderful song. The year's unanimous best)
Nas Untitled (fantastic meditation on the "n" word that feels like a trip through history. Not as sonically cohesive or diverse as the masterful Hip Hop Is Dead, but another impressive outing nonetheless)
Bob Dylan The Bootleg Series Vol. 8: Tell Tale Signs (the music industry’s closest thing to a slam dunk the past 10 years have been the Bootleg series. Though mostly composed of alternate versions of known songs and soundtrack contributions --many of which I considered purchasing for his tracks alone-- it's a legitimate original album that summarizes Dylan's exceptional recent work)
She & Him Volume One (Zooey Deschanel proved she could sing in Elf, but who knew she could carry an entire album? Teamed with M. Ward, Deschanel crafts old-fashioned pop that often sounds as if it was recorded in a tin can, but the stripped-down approach works. In addition to covers and original tracks is "Sweet Darlin'," co-writted by Deschanel and Jason Schwartzman, a gem of California lovin' straight from the Mamas & the Papas's closet. Volume Two couldn't arrive sooner)
Ben Folds Way to Normal (a compelling experimental album of growth. Folds plays with sounds and production outside of his usual realm, but brings it back home enough to keep things level. Feels like a nice step between remarkable albums)
Q-Tip The Renaissance (the album U.M.C. wants to be. After a considerably hiatus, Kamaal the Abstract returns and does a damn fine job of reminding listeners how it is and how it could be. More listenable than Nas's album, but definitely not as deep)
Randy Newman Harps & Angels (the old codger still knows his satire. The perfect companion to the campaign season)
N.E.R.D. Seeing Sounds (good to see that Pharrell didn't give up on music after his solo disc flopped. The "Neptunes's band" isn't as fun as they used to be, but they're still better than most)
Gnarls Barkley The Odd Couple (just as fun as their first album, if not better. Steadily brings the wacko funk that only Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo can deliver)
Beck Modern Guilt (with Jack White's help, music's most beloved weirdo turns in his most normal rock album yet. The absence of abundant synths and general electronica make way for consistently even jams that form another winning chapter in Beck's storied career)
Kanye West 808's and Heartbreaks (the year's most surprising release. Expert arranging of his layers of sound make it his best work as a producer. The album is what people thought Graduation would be after hearing “Stronger,” but hopefully it's a one-time venture into...whatever it is he's doing)
Aimee Mann @#%&! Smilers (the lady can do no wrong. Accuse her all you will of making songs that all sound the same, but they're all good)
The Roots Rising Down (a perfectly passable Roots album, but after Game Theory, it's kind of a yawn)
Candle can't find the title... (terrific bluegrass that's smooth throughout. As with Ladyhawk, a fun surprise from an assigned DTH review)
Ludacris Theater of the Mind (while not the explosive concept album Luda wanted it to be, it's still some of his best work. The guest list is among one of the best, including Nas and Jay-Z on the same track, but it's 9th Wonder, Common, and Spike Lee who hijack the show with the top-notch "Do The Right Thing." Overall, it's a fun mess)
Ladyhawk Shots (the best pure rock album I've heard since last year's Foo Fighters disc. No frills. Just the real stuff)
Common Universal Mind Control (U.M.C.) (probably his most uneven record, but he manages to salvage what he's got with an ending reminiscent of his best work)
Flight of the Conchords (yes, you've already heard everything here on the show, but as with all great musicals, the tunes are endlessly listenable. Certifies that Brett and Jermaine are indeed funnier than Tenacious D)
Brett Harris Yesterday's News and Side Two (my man from Durham delivers on a pair of EPs full of catchy hooks and storytelling. One of the best unknown musicians working today) |
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| Best Films of 2008: 1-10 |
[May. 13th, 2009|09:38 am] |
10. In Bruges
-Top notch writing and wham-bam comic acting. It's no surprise that writer/director Martin McDonough is a prize-winning playwright. His characters, situations, and dialogue are so well drawn that they ignite the screen, with a little help from Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Ralph Fiennes.
9. Role Models
-The year's funniest film. While other '08 comedies struggle to keep the story strong throughout (i.e. Zohan and Tropic Thunder), Paul Rudd & Co. turn on the afterburners. Christopher Mintz-Plasse proves that he's more than a one-hit McLovin' wonder and the team of Seann William Scott and Bobb'e J. Thompson make for the best profanity-laced humor since, well, Superbad. In Mintz-Plasse we trust, indeed.
8. Trouble the Water
-The big winner at Full Frame '08 features Kim Roberts, one of the most interesting characters in recent cinema and a Hurricane Katrina survivor. Armed with a recently purchased video camera, Kim chronicles here Katrina experience before and after the storm, then meets up with a pair of Fahrenheit 9/11 producers at a shelter. As the filmmakers follow Kim and her husband Scott while they return to New Orleans and try to survive elsewhere, the family's strengths and struggles are revealed with gripping honesty. Kim's troubles are triumphs are our blessings, and I don't think we've seen the last of her.
7. The Wrestler
-Mickey Rourke's performance is the film's component that has earned all of its buzz, and it is a spectacular turn, full of passion, guilt, loathing, dedication, and pity. But the world surrounding Randy "The Ram" Robinson is just as fascinating. The arena glory days of '80s pro wrestlers are long gone, replaced with high school gyms and tiny civic centers, but the athletes' commitment to their sport survives. Witnessing over-the-hill legends, forced to work low-wage jobs to payroll their calling, attempt to continue in the wrestling world is a painful experience, but one of the year's most emotionally rich.
6. Milk
-Sean Penn's best performance in addition to superb turns by James Franco and Josh Brolin make for an inspirational gem. Director Gus Van Sant take a decidedly hands-off approach and as a result allows for the oversize charisma of Harvey Milk, as filtered through Dustin Lance Black's superb script, to shine. San Francisco has rarely looked so appealing on film and neither has supporting equal rights. It's a victory on all fronts and a film that should enjoy a long life of relevancy.
5. Wall-E
-Pure joy. The opening Chalpin-esque comedy is some of Pixar's finest and the modern fairy tale of what could befall the human race continues to climb from there. The heart shown by the last robot on Earth ranks among the year's most heartfelt scenes and proves to be more true than the majority of live-action efforts. With each film, Pixar makes incredible advances in animation, and with a new picture produced each year, it continues to be a pleasure to see what they create.
4. The Order of Myths
-The year's best documentary and one of the best overall. Margaret Brown's in-depth look at Mobile, Alabama's racially divided Mardi Gras celebrations is full of awkward moments and grace, though her camera is far from judgmental. Unraveling the topic at hand is left entirely to the viewer, a rare move in the age of Michael Moore.
3. Dark Knight
-Heath Ledger. Heath Ledger. Heath Ledger. He helped make an already phenomenal saga resurgence even better. As the Joker, specializing in mayhem for the most frustrating reason of all (no reason), Ledger allows the film to live up to its title, slipping out of a deserved R rating only for the sake of distribution. And it is a film that should be seen by all who can stomach the terror. Christopher Nolan preserves his spotless track record and the rest of the talented cast, led by Christian Bale and a rousingly subtle Gary Oldman, deliver the most memorable comic book film yet.
2. The Reader
-Devastatingly good. Kate Winslet is solid throughout as a Nazi prison guard attempting to escape her past and has a romantic relationship with a teenage boy, played with innocent/idealistic mastery by David Kross. As the years pass and the pair's relationship changes, their cinematic magnetism only increases. Ralph Fiennes, as the boy all grown up, provides one of the most harrowing scenes in which he records audiobooks for his former flame. This film will leave you aching.
1. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-As I saw more films (The Reader) and remembered ones that I saw months ago (Milk, Trouble The Water, The Order of Myths) that made me doubt my allegiance to Button, I thought back to how I was moved by the first time I saw the film. I had hyped myself up over David Fincher's opus, wanting to like it more than any film in 2008, and yet it managed to surprise me in ways I couldn't imagine. That isolated experience may not be as fresh as recent viewings of other quality films or the ensuing media hype over others, but it remains in my mind as the best cinematic experience of the year. |
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| Best Films of 2008: 11-20 |
[May. 12th, 2009|03:36 pm] |
20. Snow Angels
-With Pineapple Express garnering much of the Summer hype, who knew that director David Gordon Green's other film would be his finest outing of the year? Sam Rockwell and Kate Beckinsale are remarkable as former lovers in the story of a troubled father's attempts to reconcile his family. Against the couple's tragic downfall, teenage Arthur copes with the troubles of his own parents' divorce and the prospect of new love. Arthur's budding is a joy to watch and an excellent foil to the film's otherwise ubiquitous fragility.
19. Paranoid Park
-Gus Van Sant's "other film" from '08 nearly outperforms its big-name brother with its subtlety. Paranoid Park blends the visuals of Elephant and Last Days with functional narrative that was missing from those experimental films. I blame actually having solid source material (Blake Nelson's YA novel), and am happy that Van Sant's beautiful but near-pointless rambling period appears to be over.
18. Revolutionary Road
-Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio are wonderful reunited in Sam Mendes' beautiful, challenging work, but everything about the film feels "almost there." It also feels like Mendes has made this movie before with American Beauty, but his soft camera and organic stage direction make the '50s come alive on screen in ways that transcend time barriers.
17. Frost/Nixon
-Reprising his stage role, Frank Langella shows that he's the best Nixon outside of Philip Baker Hall in Secret Honor. As British talk show host David Frost, Michael Sheen provides plenty of gawks and stares, but that's the natural response to interacting with Nixon. As with Doubt, another beloved play, Ron Howard's film is lacking cinematically, but the performances and writing, both so full of tension, are enough to propel the viewer through the closing credits.
16. Wendy and Lucy
-A nice little picture about people; nothing more, nothing less. Michelle Williams is amazing as a young girl stranded in a nowhere town between her past and future, and shows how a simple story of things gone wrong can be one of the most powerful.
15. Synecdoche, New York
-Charlie Kaufman's directorial debut is just as interesting as his previous scripts and, philosophically, much deeper. Philip Seymous Hoffman is fantastic as Caden Cotard, a community theatre director in search of capturing "something real." When a MacArthur "Genius" Grant provides him with that opportunity, he takes full advantage and throws all of himself into the project. Soon, his life is indistinguishable from the massively ambitious play, to the point where he's at the mercy of the characters he's "created." It's all very metaphysical and wonderful, from the surprisingly gut-busting first half to the (how else to put it?) Kaufmanesque second act. No one writes films like Charlie Kaufman, and not surprisingly, no one makes films like him either.
14. Happy-Go-Lucky
-Mike Leigh's latest follows an incurably optimistic British primary school teacher in her interactions with those whose outlook on life isn't quite so positive. Sally Hawkins infuses Poppy with an organic happiness that's inspiring and amusing. As she brushes against the rest of the world, the joy and pain that transpires, most notably with a negative driving instructor, is pure awkward bliss. Rarely does a character like Poppy come around, but when she does, it's best to go along for the ride.
13. Glass: A Portrait of Philip in 12 Acts
-A thoroughly engrossing look at an uncompromising musical genius. At 70, Philip Glass continues to make innovative music with the vigor of a man more than half his age. As with the best portrait documentaries, Scott Hicks' film allows viewers access to the artist's work process and inside Glass's personal life, the latter of which is often in conflict with his dedication to composing. Weaving in Glass's hypnotic, alluring pieces, the film feels epic in scope while maintaining its focus on one man. It's a towering accomplishment and a true testament to an artist who's affected world music more than viewers may have thought.
12. Doubt
-Great performances all around (with the exception of the never-changing Amy Adams), but with these names and writing this good, how can it not be? Despite notable cinematography by Roger Deakins early on, the film has trouble distancing itself from its theater roots. Meryl Streep vs. Philip Seymour Hoffman is a dramatic fight for the ages.
11. Man On Wire
-The story of Philippe Petit, the tight-rope walker whose dream was to walk between the World Trade Center towers, takes documentaries to a level of entertainment typically reserved for narrative films. It also features the scene of the year: after tension of Phillipe’s walk has been built up, when conditions seem impossible and his window of opportunity is about to close, director James Marsh gives us the single photo of Phillipe's first steps out, set to Satie’s Gymnopaedes. Beautiful is an understatement. |
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| Best Films of 2008: 21-30 |
[May. 11th, 2009|09:46 pm] |
30. Encounters at the End of the World
-Werner Herzog's new documentary chronicles the eclectic group of scientists and loners working at Antarctica's McMurdo Station, people so bizarre and out of touch with humanity that they rival the area's unique, prehistoric-looking wildlife. Ideal for IMAX screens, Herzog's wild images and dry narration makes for a quirky, broadening experience.
29. Sex and the City: The Movie
-Some of the year's best writing from a film that's far more than a chick flick (though it's that, too). With a sequel in the works, surely we'll follow the ladies through menopause at least, right?
28. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
-Adam Sandler returns to form as a legendary Israeli soldier who fakes his death to become a NYC hairdresser. Featuring the surprisingly ubiquitous hummus, used for any and all purposes, the film provides the Hebrew fix that Tom Cruise's Tropic Thunder studio exec failed to deliver. Maybe all Sandler needed to find his funny was the Apatow touch (he's a co-writer). Fortunately for us, we'll get to see them collaborate again this summer in Funny People.
27. Iron Man
-2008 officially became Robert Downey Jr.'s year when Jon Favreau's comic book flick jump-started the summer movie season. The non-stop pleasure ride of Tony Stark's rise (yes, rise) from billionaire mechanical genius to superhero was a surprise even if identifying the film's villain wasn't.
26. Madagascar 2
-A riot from start to finish. As Alex & Co. crash land in Africa after attempting a return to New York, the jokes roll forth more often than a Zucker/Abrams production. The always fantastic Sacha Baron Cohen again proves the scene stealer, even in animated form. His King Julien feels improvisationally brilliant, like Robin Williams' Genie in Aladdin, but wilder. By far, the year's 2nd best animated film.
25. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
-Not what most folks were expecting, but just as good as The Last Crusade. All of the action and adventure is there, and if friends have a problem with the story, ask how they were able to accept the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail.
24. Bomb It
-Possibly the most entertaining documentary ever, Jon Reiss' in-depth look into global graffiti never lets up on thrills. A major part of its appeal is its exquisite editing, a touch that allows hundreds of hours of footage to meld seamlessly into one incredibly coherent film.
23. Hellboy II: The Golden Army
-Maybe the most imaginative film since the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Guillermo del Toro picks up right where the superb Hellboy ended and takes the wonder up a few levels while tipping his hat to his previous film, Pan's Labyrinth. Ron Pearlman is again at his sarcastic best as the titular red beast alongside his cast of fellow talented oddballs. I don't like "Family Guy," but series creator/guru Seth MacFarlane is hilarious as the voice of Johann Krauss, described as an ectoplasmic medium but more like a complex diving bell full of gas. Together, this bizarro dream team takes on the Rube Goldberg machines from hell and encounters various other creatures, many of which look straight out of Pan's sketchbook. No scene is better than the Goblin Market, a sprawling madhouse of fantastical creatures that rivals the Mos Eisley cantina from Star Wars: Episode IV.
22. Vicky Christina Barcelona
-Further proof that by going European, Woody Allen has his swagger back. His light/serious tale of love, loss, and ambition abroad is another fine chapter in his storied career, simultaneously fresh and familiar. Penelope Cruz is good, but not Oscar good, and though the monotone narrator is annoying at first, once the story picks up, the voice fits in nicely. It'll be interesting to see how Allen applies his recaptured mojo to Whatever Works, where he'll be in fine company with Larry David as his lead. I predict success.
21. Burn After Reading
-An underrated Coen Brothers gem. Brad Pitt turns in his most fun character as a dim-witted, mega-sized-soda-slurping fitness guru, teaming with a zany Frances McDormand in a bizarre plot involving ex-CIA agent John Malkovich and a womanizing George Clooney. Though some of the early f-bombs feel unnecessary, the film settles into familiar Coen territory (where nothing is expected) and absolutely soars. |
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| Best Films of 2008: 31-40 |
[May. 10th, 2009|03:51 pm] |
40. Wanted
-A huge surprise that belongs on the shelf between Fight Club and Office Space. Just as darkly comedic and wild as its two cousins, Wanted combines some of the year's best special effects with a story that's far more original than most Summer shoot-'em-ups. You'll be throwing your hands up in triumph when the credits roll. I guarantee it.
39. Kung Fu Panda
-Tons of panda fun, but are there too many Jack Black sound effects? The opening "dream sequence" animation is outstanding, but in a year with Wall-E and Madagascar 2, the film is easily outshined.
38. Married Life
-A pleasant little character piece that would have worked well as a play. Chris Cooper leads a talented cast who go to surprising lengths for love and happiness amidst the stark manners of the 1950s. They don't make films like this anymore, but it'd be nice if they did.
37. Horton Hears a Who
-A pleasant, clean film that proves Dr. Seuss adaptations should have stayed animated. The voices of Jim Carrey, Steve Carell, Seth Rogen, and Mary Tyler Moore bring honor to a medium that produced a bevy of short classics (i.e. The Lorax) and was abandoned for the horrific live action of The Grinch and The Cat and the Hat. It's good to have Seussical things back the way they belong.
36. Rachel Getting Married
-Anne Hathaway lives up to the hype as a recovering addict released from an institution for her sister's wedding. Interesting characters fill each frame and the tension is real, but many scenes drag on, wandering in search of meaning that isn't always found. The wedding itself is also a bit out of control, and though its uber Bohemian style may appeal to some, it tries too hard to be "indie."
35. W.
-Very interesting. Josh Brolin fully embodies the former President in Oliver Stone's quickly assembled portrait. Major players in Bush's life are given outstanding treatment, namely Jeffrey Wright as an incredulous Colin Powell, but Thandie Newton is intolerable as Condoleeza Rice. If it's that difficult to handle 3 lines of dialogue from someone acting as Condie, is the real thing that much more annoying? Stone provides glimpses at key moments in Bush's life and insight into the thought processes behind the defining decisions of the Bush presidency. The scenes feel the perfect length, but once the 2 hour film ends, there's a desire to see more.
34. Zack and Miri Make a Porno
-Never has filth been so funny. Kevin Smith's best script outside of Dogma goes all the way...to the heights of comic brilliance with a story that includes a brilliant but tragic Star Wars porno. However, as with Clerks II and the dreadful Jersey Girl, Silent Bob also lets the schmaltz shine through in excess. Endings are by far Smith's weakness, but with so many laughs preceding the collapse, he's forgiven.
33. Nerakhoon: The Betrayal
-One of cinema's most devastating films spans 20+ years in the life of Thavi, a Laotian refugee who seeks solace in the U.S. The title is dually destructive, making reference to the U.S. military's mistreatment of the same Laotian soldiers who helped them in Vietnam and Thavi's father, a man who against all common sense, turns his back on his family multiple times. What's so amazing about the film is that the camera never limits its subjects. The frank dialogue that occurs, especially between Thavi and his mother, makes the viewer feel intrusive, and yet the subjects continue their lives in true fly-on-the-wall style. In these moments, we're granted intimate access into the subjects' inner turmoils, and instead of tensing up, they invite us in.
32. Trumbo
-Charismatic blacklisted screenwriter Dalton Trumbo gets his due in this wonderfully entertaining documentary, a mix of archival footage and, at the film's core, Trumbo's personal letters read by Hollywood's elite. The celebration of Trumbo's life is a true tour-de-force and it's impossible not to root for him. Just as triumphant as the filmgoing experience is Trumbo's rise from infamy to write his best scripts, during which he inserted the most memorable lessons (and personal messages) from his time in exile. Modern letters is largely missing such wordsmiths, but this film gives plenty of hope to future masters.
31. The Black List
-A wonderfully edited, intelligent collection of conversations with prominent African-Americans on what it's like to be black and famous. Vol. 2 came out earlier this year on HBO and an accompanying book further fleshes out the interviews. More insightful, simple films like this one need to be made. |
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| Best Films of 2008: 41-50 |
[May. 9th, 2009|04:38 pm] |
50. Charlie Bartlett
-What starts off as promising and full of surprises unfortunately turns mediocre when the story's turning point arrives. But the fun up to that point is well worth the effort. Top-notch performances abound, but even with Robert Downey Jr. and Anton Yelchin giving their all, the script eventually lets the film down.
49. Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day
-As with Married Life, it's a fun little movie that carries with it plenty of charms from a bygone era. Amy Adams is at her bubbly best as a singer juggling romantic relationships and Frances McDormand delivers again in her consistenly fine career. The film isn't earth-shattering, but it's a good time.
48. Made of Honor
-More fun than you'd think, unless you watch "Grey's Anatomy" and then it's a miracle that you're able to think at all. The story rambles a bit, but it's a fairly solid romantic comedy.
47. 27 Dresses
-As with Made of Honor, surprises abound for viewers not typically drawn to such fare. Katherine Heigl and James Marsden make a lovely pair and their "Bennie and the Jets" scene is a lot of fun, plus there's a positive message!
46. Valkyrie
-Tom Cruise actually feels cool in Bryan Singer's film about a group of disheartened Nazis's attempt to assassinate Hitler. Though the outcome is known, Singer still manages to crank up the tension (a la Apollo 13) and create a satisfying little thriller.
45. August
-What ever happened to those dot.com whiz kids once the too-good-to-be-true bubble burst? Josh Hartnett is at his best as one of these young CEOs, realizing too late that he's out of luck and allowing his ego to sink him. Firmly set at the turn of the 21st century, the film still resonates today as a cautionary tale to those ready to be a part of the next big thing.
44. Shine A Light
-Viewed in iMax grandeur, Martin Scorsese's latest is in many ways the Rolling Stones concert experience I've been craving. The preparation and build-up are fascinating, as is the sudden roller-coaster drop start to the show, ambitiously kicked off to "Jumpin' Jack Flash." While the set list is more for the band than the fans (very few hits) and the guest appearances are so-so, the well-edited culling of footage from two shows at NYC's Beacon Theatre is thoroughly engaging. A decent testament to the band's greatness, though I'll play "Hot Rocks Vol. 1" for my kids instead.
43. Four Christmases
-Vince Vaughn stars as himself and Reece Witherspoon reminds us that she was funny in the Legally Blonde movies. Visits to a bevy of relatives provide plenty of laughs and the serious elements are genuine enough not to hi-jack the story. It'd be nice to revisit these characters, perhaps when they finally get to their tropical destination.
42. Tropic Thunder
The year's most intriguing concept spends too little time in the oven. In what was billed as a brilliant skewering of Hollywood, Ben Stiller & Co. have too much fun crafting characters and dialogue that they forgo a working plot. Robert Downey Jr. nearly saves the mess with a career-best turn as a Russell Crowe -ish method actor who dyes his skin black and channels his inner Red Foxx to become an African-American character. Every scene with Downey is a gift, as is with Jay Baruchel's innocent PFC, but the same can't be said for Jack Black or the much-hyped Tom Cruise comeback. Enter with low expectations, but even a roomful of teens high as a kite wouldn't give this two thumbs up.
41. Pineapple Express
-Also a bit of a disappointment, but perhaps expectations for Seth Rogen films are too high after the '07 double whammy of Superbad and Knocked Up. Hollywood's favorite curly-haired chubby Jew is decent, but is far outshined by his former "Freaks and Geeks" co-star, James Franco (in a career year). Danny McBride also finally gets his due as Franco's pot supplier, but even with the pedigree of director David Gordon Green behind the camera, the film is in desperate need of an editor. A shorter running time and a tighter story, and it could have been the year's 2nd best comedy. |
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| Sci-Fi for All |
[May. 8th, 2009|02:27 pm] |
We interrupt this tardy "Best Of" list to bring you something that actually happened in 2009.
J.J. Abrams's Star Trek provides plenty of entertainment for all action/adventure fans and enough inside nerdiness for hardcore Trekkies. The adrenaline that marked Abrams's directorial debut, Mission: Impossible III, is back and launches a young cast of classic sci-fi names on its maiden voyage.
As with M:I 3 and Abrams's TV hit Alias, an exciting cold opening brings the action in a hurry and never lets up. The film follows Kirk and Spock from a glimpse of their respective youths to their start in Starfleet. Chris Pine infuses Kirk with reckless confidence impossible to root against and Zachary Quinto is spectacular as Spock, capturing all of the emotion/logic conflicts and physical nuances immortalized by Leonard Nimoy, the only other actor to sport the pointy ears.
Nimoy himself plays an integral role in the deliciously complex story. A time-traveling, renegade Romulan named Nero (Eric Bana) is determined to destroy all of the planets in the Federation after his own was lost far in the future, supposedly due to Ambassador Spock. When Nero takes Captain Pike (Bruce Greenwood) prisoner and sets his demolition machine on Earth, it's up to the young crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise to save their leader and the Federation.
The action that unfolds overflows with intrigue, battle scenes, and nostalgia. Amidst the jolts is a tangled drama between feuding Kirk and Spock, and in these moments Pine and Quinto absolutely sizzle. Surrounding them is a cluster of dead ringers for their famous namesakes, none more clone-like than Karl Urban's Dr. McCoy. The supporting cadets make the most of their limited screen time, Bana is a fine villain, and with Winona Ryder (in her Edward Scissorhands old woman make-up and voice as Spock's mother) and a not-in-drag Tyler Perry, and it's quite the cast.
What's most excitiing is that, after years of being a parody of itself, the Star Trek story and characters feel genuinely fresh. Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman continue their tradition of smart sci-fi blockbuster scripts (M:I 3, The Island, Transformers) and are able to stay true to the saga's lore without allowing it to trip over itself. Their story brilliantly sets up a way for all of the previous Star Trek action to exist (on its own plane, in its own alternate reality...you follow?) and for entirely new adventures to occur. It's a fantastic way to start off the Summer Movie season and further proof that if your franchise is in trouble, J.J. Abrams is your man. |
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| Best Films of 2008: 51-64 |
[May. 6th, 2009|09:31 pm] |
With the stench of 2008's worst films behind us, I present the Best films of 2008.
Though I attempted to be reasonably comprehensive, there were still a few titles that I didn't get to see. Plenty other films came out last year, but of those, the ones I wanted to see but didn't are:
Gran Torino, Changeling (sorry Mr. Eastwood...), My Winnipeg, Miracle at St. Anna, Step Brothers, Che, Mummy 3, Let the Right One In, A Christmas Tale, Waltz with Bashir, The Class, Cloverfield, Standard Operating Procedure, Rocknrolla.
Now, on to the list:
64. Drillbit Taylor
-Not very good (in an interview, co-writer Seth Rogen sounds surprised that the film was even made), but has enough moments to keep it out of the "worst" list. Owen Wilson is occasionally charming as a homeless ex-soldier hired to be the bodyguard for a group of bullied high school boys, but the boys are far more entertaining. The fat kid rap scene is one of the year's best moments, but the rest of the film feels flat in comparison.
63. The Other Boleyn Girl
-Not terrible, but pretty bad. Scarlett Johansson is great as the title character, but Natalie Portman and Eric Bana embarrass themselves in a messy film that at least get the period look right.
62. The X-Files: I Want to Believe
-Mulder should have stayed in hiding. For some unknown reason, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson reunite for the 2nd X-Files film, a snoozathon that's far more filler episode than anything for the big screen. The story isn't sensational enough to warrant feature-length attention, raising the question of why it was even made. Still, seeing Mulder and Scully (plus a bit of Skinner!) back in action is enough to raise the pulse of former fans, though it's hardly sufficient.
61. Hancock
-Will Smith brings his patented Summer appeal to this wannabe blockbuster of L.A.'s only superhero (or so he thinks). The film's first half is full of hilarious superhero commentary and unexpected thrills. As Roger Ebert said, it's refreshing to see a superhero interact in the real world, but the film's second half is pretty dull. Jason Bateman provides decent yuks as the straight man, but Charlize Theron is largely wasted. Further proof that a good idea isn't enough.
60. 21
-The trailer, cued to the Doors's "Break On Through," was one of the year's best, and the film itself delivered in fine Spring-release form. Jim Sturgess is charming as Ben Campbell, one of 6 MIT students counting cards to win big Vegas money. As Ben learns the craft, we're right there with him, full of awe and excited about the greedy possibilities. But when he gets caught and pulled into Laurence Fishburne's security chief schemes, things get a bit cheezy. Fishburne is laughably bad and Kevin Spacey is only slightly better as the teacher who pulls the students to the money. It's fun while it lasts.
59. Quantum of Solace
-A giant leap backwards after Casino Royale vaulted the Bond franchise to heights unseen since the Sean Connery days. Director Marc Forster creates a clumsy direct sequel to the previous chapter that's low on thrills and high on "huh?"s.
58. Be Kind Rewind
-I expect more out of Michel Gondry, especially with the "let's have Jack Black and Mos Def reenact classic cinematic moments with no budget" concept, and so should you. The Sweding montages are magical, but the rest of the film is only OK. After a string of masterpieces with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep, Gondry appeared to have screenwriting down, but after this disappointment, it's clear he needs to go back to school or at least hang out with Charlie Kaufman for a while.
57. Body of Lies
-Despite Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, a script by William Monaghan and direction by Ridley Scott, this tale of modern-day espionage falls flat. Crowe phones in his performance and DiCaprio stretches his character too far. The explosions and chase scenes are textbook Scott, but such a collaboration warrants something as great as Monaghan's last script: The Departed.
56. Gonzo: The Life and Times of Hunter S. Thompson
-A good, cumulative retrospective of Thompson's life, but Hunter fans have seen most of this elsewhere. Director Alex Gibney stumbles outside of stock footage and interviews, but it's Hunter so it's a fun time.
55. Get Smart
-The film that brings together 3 of my favorite comedians (Alan Arkin, Bill Murray and Steve Carrell) is also one that's barely faithful to its source material. Carrell's Maxwell is far too competent to be a believable continuation of Don Adams' character. The real Maxwell is barely capable of operating a firearm, but in 2008 he not only packs heat, but also hits his targets.
54. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
-The novel on which the film is based was written by David Levithan, author of "Boy Meets Boy," and like that work, the action and characters exist in an alternate reality. It's still New York, but the amount of freedom enjoyed by 17 and 18-year-olds in addition to the overacceptance of homosexuality doesn't mesh with real life. The Mark Mothersbaugh score is quality, but the rest of the unending music fails to live up to the titular hype (if that's even what it was going for). Michael Cera and Kat Dennings make for an appealing pair, and their friends are even more interesting as they're all in search of an elusive concert that keeps changing venues. The film never reaches the indy hipness of Juno and other recent such entries (even Thumbsucker and Rocket Science), but it's good entertainment.
53. High School Musical 3: Senior Year
-Brings all the big, stinky brie of its small-screen predecessors and throws in some limburger, too. Troy, Gabriella and posse face the end of high school and all the changes that come with it. Plenty of laugh-out-loud moments (my favorite: "The Boys Are Back"), but also the positive messages from the Disney-bred role models we've come to love. Congrats, Wildcats!
52. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
-Jason Segel gets his shot at Apatow stardom in a film that's high on laughs and low on substance. With most of the other team players (Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill) on board and a pretty good Segal script, the star power is there, as is the male nudity. There are a few priceless scenes, notably those involving the titular actress's "CSI"-type show and anything with "Dracula: The Musical," but most others go on far too long. In a year when their exposure was more widespread than ever, Apatow productions were spread too wide and couldn't match last year's double-whammy of Superbad and Knocked Up. Hopefully the man himself can break the trend with his next writer/director effort.
51. Slumdog Millionaire
-Entertaining, but surface deep. Trademark Danny Boyle visual styles remain intact and vividly capture the contrast between industrialized and poor India. The "story behind the answers" approach is fresh, but the lack of believable character motivation sadly holds back what is otherwise a really fun film. It's disheartening when a film that lacks so much beat out far more qualified nominees for the Best Picture Oscar (and Best Director and Adapted Screenplay, too), but it was justly rewarded for its unstoppable hype machine, something that the Oscars has turned into recently and may always have been. |
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| Worst Films of 2008 |
[May. 5th, 2009|02:45 pm] |
You can exhale. At long last, the Best of 2008 lists are ready. This time, I wanted to be more comprehensive than in previous years to ensure that I wouldn't omit such gems as Little Children and There Will Be Blood that I'd seen after past year-end deadlines.
The 2008 list is about as complete as can be. I'll get to the year's best films soon, but first, here are the year's worst:
Describing the worst films of the year reminds me of a vocabulary list in Mr. Padrick’s SAT Prep class involving different kinds of foul odors. Each term described a different kind of stench and, instead of writing “a bad smell” for each definition, we had to distinguish between the likes of “putrid” and “rancid.” It wasn’t easy. Explaining why this year’s batch of rotten cinematic offerings should be hosed down with copious bottles of Glade and Airwick is also challenging, though much more fun.
11. Smart People
putrid adj. in a state of foul decay or decomposition, as animal or vegetable matter; rotten
Dennis Quaid had a rough year. First there was Vantage Point (see below), and then this Wonder Boys knockoff about a struggling professor and his quirky family and rocky love life. The premise worked for Michael Dougles, but Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ellen Page, and Thomas Haden Church fail miserably. The awkwardness, jokes, and interactions all fall flat and makes one wonder if the stars were handed a different script.
10. My Blueberry Nights
frowzy adj. ill-smelling; musty.
As with Smart People, star power reigns supreme, as does literary and directorial clout (so I'm told). But Kar Wai Wong's first English language film is a disaster. Most of the blame can be piled on crime novel writer Lawrence Block's sloppy script, but the cast of Oscar-nominated studs (Rachel Weisz, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and David Strathairn) do their best to ruin the film by comically over-acting. The only person who seems like they have any idea how to act is Norah Jones, and she's in her acting debut. Perhaps Kar was unable to communicate at all with his cast and crew. He needs some excuse after such a flop, and he might as well use that one.
9. Speed Racer
fetid adj. having an offensive odor; stinking
The Wachowski Bros.'s egg started to rot back on The Matrix: Reloaded. After such a phenomenal debut, anticipation was sky high for their pair of follow-ups. Though the innovative special effects were there, the film felt empty, and once The Matrix Revolutions was released 6 months later, the filmmakers' audience had diminished. After 5 years away, the Wachowskis returned with Speed Racer, a dizzy, cotton candy barf-fest that may be a bit too faithful to its source material. Emile Hirsch, John Goodman, Christina Ricci and Susan Sarandon are beyond cartoonishly bad, and only Matthew Fox, wisely hidden under a black mask as the mysterious Racer X, escapes with any dignity. The Wachowskis, however, those one-hit wonders who once held infinite promise, now have none.
8. Australia
mephitic adj. offensive to the smell
Baz Luhrmann's spiral downward continues in this failed epic to his homeland that even the natives can't like. At least he got the casting right. Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman do the best they can with an unfocused, messy Luhrmann script that claims to honor the "lost generation," but does a shoddy job in doing so. Instead, Luhrmann makes audiences hate aboriginals through their intolerable child spokesman, Nulla. Certain sentimentalists will be drawn in by the poor Wizard of Oz allusions, but most will have entered a sugar coma long before then.
7. Mamma Mia
gamy having the flavor or odor of game or other meat kept uncooked until slightly tainted
When Meryl Streep is miscast, Colin Firth is underused and Pierce Brosnan is asked to sing multiple solos, you know something's wrong. All of the above and more catastrophes mar what could have been a fun, mindless romp through ABBA tunes (as the stage musical it's based on apparently is). Not even "Dancing Queen" can save this flop.
6. Appaloosa
olid adj. Having a strong, disagreeable smell
Either Ed Harris filmed himself and his cast during rehearsals, or Robert B. Parker's source material is one of the worst things ever published. Viggo Mortensen, typically stellar, is reduced to a sad ghost of an Old West hero and Harris's inconsistent marshal, paired with an especially tight-faced Renee Zelwegger, makes an interesting premise nearly unwatchable. I keep hoping that I accidentally saw a rough cut of the film instead of the final product, but as they say, I can hope in one hand...
5. Twilight
funky adj. evil-smelling; foul
Is 2 hours of condensed, visual Twilight better than 5x that much time spent reading the same garbage? Yes and no. At least in the book, one's perceived imagery of the characters, locales and events are one's own. With this paper-thin adaptation, director Catherine Hardwicke presents her interpretation of Stephenie Meyer's paper-thin vampire tale, and it's just as painful an experience. Robert Pattinson and his make-up artists think they're working on the Edward Scissorhands sequel, but laughably come up short. Surrounding him and the cast is a rushed film that, sad to say, could have been a lot better. Now with respectable directors already named for the next two (guaranteed to be rushed) sequels, the saga's popularity will almost certainly reach Harry Potter levels. Too bad its quality is nowhere close.
4. Vantage Point
musty adj. having an odor or flavor suggestive of mold, as old buildings, long-closed rooms, or stale food
Stellar cast: check. Awesome trailer: check. Actual substance: ummm.... Forrest Whitaker, William Hurt, and (look, ma!) Dennis Quaid can't help this empty thriller, one that looked like a decent popcorn flick in its 90-second form, go anywhere. The story is something to do with political corruption bla bla bla, and the "let's rewind and start from another P.O.V." derails thrills instead of piquing them. Stay away. Stay far, far away.
3. The Love Guru
rancid adj. having a rank, unpleasant, stale smell or taste, as through decomposition, esp. of fats or oils
Oh, how Mike Myers has fallen. The last time he wrote and starred in a film, it was the wonderful Austin Powers franchise. His new character, Guru Pitka, attempts the same kind of jokes as the British spy, but they almost always fall flat. A lot of the failure has to do with the film's surrounding world: it's not wacky enough to mesh with Myers's characters. Where awkwardness and inappropriate jokes soared in the Powers films, none of it works this time around. Myers has tasted success before, so he should know better. Instead, he makes a monkey out of not only himself, but talent like Ben Kingsley and Justin Timberlake, too. If a new Austin Powers can't save him, maybe Quentin Tarantino will.
2. Stop-Loss
noxious adj. harmful or injurious to health or physical well-being
Kimberly Peirce's soldiers-at-home flick has the distinction of being the only year's only film that I couldn't finish. At the point where I hit "Eject," Ryan Phillippe was AWOL, on the run from his military superiors and on his way to Washington to persuade his congressman to save him. Horrible fake Texas accents abound, as does an overt political message that, while reasonable and relevant, lays on the gorgonzola real thick. It'd be the worst film of the year of not for...
1. Funny Games
feculent adj. full of dregs or fecal matter; foul, turbid, or muddy
I've expressed my disgust of this film before and would not like to revisit such an unfortunate experience. I was proud (not really) to take the bullet for all you untainted souls out there on this one. Blech! |
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